Where Did Lavi Go Wrong?
by ElricLawliet
Summary: Songfic. Allen Walker is dead, and Lenalee greives. Lavi tries to help, but he can't figure out how. Oh, where did he go wrong? One-shot, implied AllenxLenalee


Allen Walker is dead. Malcolm C. Leverrier had him executed for heresy. Lenalee has been brokenhearted ever since, and as Lavi walked down the Black Order's hallways looking for her, he couldn't help wonder if her feelings went deeper than grief.

He finally found her, staring out a large window at the pouring rain.

"Lenalee!" he called.

_Step one you say we need to talk_

_He walks you say sit down it's just a talk_

_He smiles politely back at you_

_You stare politely right on through_

"Hey. Come sit down and talk with me for a bit," Lavi said.

"No thanks," she said, and without looking at him, turned and started walking away.

He grabbed her hand, stopping her. "Sit. I just want to talk."

She looked back at him and smiled softly, trying to tell him she didn't need to talk. Lavi, unconvinced, raised an eyebrow and waited patiently for her to give in.

_Some sort of window to your right_

_As he goes left and you stay right_

_Between the lines of fear and blame_

_You begin to wonder why you came_

She sighed and tuned, knowing he wouldn't leave her alone until she got it through his head that she didn't need or want to talk. They sat with their backs to the wall, and Lavi looked at her.

"Just let me help you," he whispered.

"I don't need help."

He knew it was a lie. He felt like she was leaving, going through a door he couldn't follow her through. He started fearing what she might do, and started blaming himself for not noticing sooner. Was he too late to save her?

_I can't get through to her. Why did I even bother coming? _He wondered. No. He had to keep trying.

"Please…"

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up_

_With you all night_

_Had I known_

_How to save a life_

Shit! Where had he messed up? Why hadn't he noticed sooner? He'd already lost Allen; he didn't want to lose Lenalee, too. But would the bitterness overcome her? Damn it! If he could go back in time, he would do _anything_ to keep this from happening, even if it meant staying up all night to comfort her.

_Let him know that you know best_

_Cause after all you do know best_

_Try to slip past his defense_

_Without granting innocence_

"Please, Lenalee…let me help you. You don't know how to get through this on your own!"

"And you _do_ know how to get through it?" she scoffed.

"Yes! I can carry this pain with you, just let me help!"

"I don't need help!"

"_Yes you do!_ I can see it, see it in the way you look at his picture, I can hear it in the way to cry yourself to sleep at night."

She looked stunned.

"I heard you," he hissed. "I heard you last night on my way to bed. Don't play dumb with me, Lenalee, don't try to pretend you're innocent of any pain!"

_Lay down a list of what is wrong_

_The things you told him all along_

_And pray to God he hears you_

_Pray to God he hears you_

"You can't keep doing this! You can't keep bottling it up, it's not right! It's not healthy! If you keep trying to do this on your own, you'll destroy yourself! Let me help you! Let Kanda help you, let _Komui_ help you! He's your brother, Lenalee, and he loves you more than anything! Can't you see it's tearing him apart to see you like this?"

Lavi was doing his best to hold back tears now. God _damn_ it, why wasn't she listening? Couldn't she see she wasn't just hurting herself?

"What you're doing is _wrong._ How many times do I have to tell you, can't you understand you're just hurting yourself more?"

He started begging; pleading to God the she would open her ears and just _hear_ him.

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up_

_With you all night_

_Had I known_

_How to save a life_

No, no, no, no, no! Everything was going wrong, she wasn't listening! Was he going to lose another friend to the bitter grief? Oh, if only he could turn back time!

_As he begins to raise his voice_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice_

_Drive until you lose the road_

_Or break with the ones you followed_

"Just shut up, Lavi!" Lenalee screamed. "What do you know, anyway? You're a damn Bookman; you're not even supposed to have feelings! What would you know about loving someone? Why do you even care? Remember what you said when we battled Road? 'I've never considered you guys as friends.' So why should it matter how I feel now? You don't fucking know anything!"

Lavi took a deep breath. Her words stung, but he had to keep going.

"Please Lenalee. Remember what Allen would always say? 'Never stop. Keep walking.' You've got to do that, too, Lenalee. You can't just give up. This is your last chance. You can follow the advice Allen always gave, and keep walking; keep fighting with me and Kanda and your brother and everyone else; or you can break with us and choose to be miserable for the rest of your life. Please, _please_ don't do that to us, Lenalee."

_He will do one of two things_

_He will admit to everything_

_Or he'll say he's just not the same_

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came_

Lenalee sighed. "I'm sorry, Lavi, but I've changed. Nothing's the way it's supposed to be, and I'm just not the same anymore.

She stood and started walking to her room, leaving Lavi still sitting on the floor; wondering why he'd even bothered to try.

_Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness_

_And I would have stayed up_

_With you all night_

_Had I known_

_How to save a life_

The next morning, he walked to her room and knocked on the door.

"Lenalee? It's time for breakfast." She didn't answer. "Lenalee? …I'm coming in."

He pushed the door open…and froze. Lenalee's lifeless body hung from a rope nailed to the ceiling, a stool underneath her feet. He walked up to her, shock still etched on his face, and he noticed a piece of paper clenched in her fist. He carefully pried it out and smoothed the note out.

_Lavi,_

_I know you were trying to help me, but I'm sorry. I just can't live with this grief. It just hurts too much, and I don't want to burden anyone else. Forgive me, but I just can't take it._

Lavi crumpled the note up and shoved it into his pocket, tears streaming down his face. He should have known this would happen. Oh, stupid Lenalee, why didn't you understand?

Dear God, if only he'd known how to save a life.

**I was inspired to write this by Kuroya-hime, who wrote something similar. She wrote hers in a modern reality thing version, and I wondered about one that was in the original Black Order universe. She gets full credit for the idea.**

**This fanfic is dedicated to Timothy Marmaduke, my friend Autumn's boyfriend, who committed suicide about two weeks ago. As Autumn's cell phone signature says: Rest in peace Marmaduke.**


End file.
